Since I just started this blog I can think of a thousand things to write about. I'm sure that will quickly die off and my post may become more scattered. For now though I am inspired and excited about writing so I will take advantage of all my ideas and thoughts. You may all get sick of hearing from me. What to discuss?
The past few weeks of my life have been both great and tragic. With the passing holiday we ventured out on a family vacation. When I say family, I mean all of our family. My children got to experience vacation with both sets of grandparents. I suspect that that is a rare happening. It was a wonderful time and fun was had by all. We allowed Luke to take a friend on vacation for the first time and I think they made some wonderful memories they will cherish for a lifetime. I, as always, reveled in the sights and sounds of family vacation. I love seeing the adventure through my children's eyes. It was exciting seeing some of the rides with Macy since she has just grown tall enough this year to ride many of them. Hearing her squeal in delight on the small coaster or giggle nonstop as the shooting star would rise up and down will forever be burned into my brain. Those are moments when you realize what a blessed life you have and give God a "Thank you".
Even though the sights and sounds of vacation were all around me and I was surrounded by so many people I love I kept finding myself hiding behind my sunglasses. I seemed to have a river of tears that I just couldn't shake. For the most part no one noticed, but Jeff did from time to time. Luckily he knows me well and I didn't have to do much explaining. He understood that I had been very effected by the death of a good friend.
It was just 4 days before vacation when I received the message. It was such a simple message. No more than 10 words, but it cut right to the heart. It only said that a friend of mine had died and that drugs were the cause. Wow, I didn't know what to think. I had known him well for the better part of my life, actually about 28 years. We grown up less than a mile apart and gone through every grade of school together. We had spent countless days playing together as children on my trampoline or swimming in our pool We had graduated from kindergarten, 8th grade, and high school together . We had became teenagers side by side and watched each other grow into young adults. We talked so much. I felt like I knew everything about him and I am sure he knew everything about me. We shared many secrets. He was a cousin to my very best girl friend so that brought on much more shared time. She and I would sneak into his window late at night to watch movies or just talk silly teenager talk.
He was a good guy. He wanted stuff out of life. We used to talk about how our lives would be when we were grown. He was a hard worker, mowing nearly every lawn in my home town weekly. He was a loyal friend to many. He was very self sufficient, somewhat taking care of himself, being raised for the most part by his grandparents. I thought the world should look out for him. I imagined that he would end up with the happy little blond haired blue eyed family. As much as I hate to say it, I was so wrong.
After graduation I went off to college and he stayed around home. We kept in close contact the better part of my first two years of school. I would always go by his house to give him a full report on what was going on in my world and he would come to visit and attend occasional events with me. I remember seeing Lynard Skynard together and the outdoor drama Hatifelds and McCoys. That was the last few times we actually ever hung out. Our visits became fewer and further between. I had heard through the grapevine that he was getting married and was gonna be a Dad. I was excited for him, but don't recall ever talking to him about it. I hate that. I never congratulated him on becoming a father. From there pretty much all I ever got was hear say and the hear say was not good. I heard that his marriage went awry and that he was rarely seeing his daughter and later that he had developed quite the drug problem. It was confirmed when I saw him at my high school reunion and he was hardly even recognizable. He seemed like an entirely different person. I had spoken highly of him to my husband and Jeff was so surprised upon meeting him. I assured him that he was a good person despite his present situation and demeanor.
I guess it was about two months ago that I received a late night facebook message from my friend. He wrote to inquire on how I was and to reminisce about our many adventures together. He spoke specifically about 4 wheeling, swimming and long talks. He spoke about what I written in his year book. He said, "In my yearbook you wrote that I was a good listener. Well I want you to know that I still am a good listener." That was my confirmation. He was the same person! He wanted to be good just as the rest of us do. I felt as though he was telling me that he was still him. That got me thinking. Our choices and circumstances do change things about us and may change all outward appearances and expressions of us, but deep inside we are the same. We are always that child that has dreams and wishes, fears and scars. We are always that innocent little baby that our Mommas once held so gently. We are always us. I don't know how much sense that makes and I really don't know how to explain it, all I can say is that...we are always just us.
That's what I took away from this death. That's what I am trying to use as inspiration. I am aiming to be more tolerant, more forgiving, more understanding, more willing to reach out, less self righteous. I am trying to rekindle some old friendships and strengthen some existing ones. After all, that's what were here for, relationship, to build connections and to love each other despite our differences . I can't help but believe that love was Gods plan for us. Maybe this death will not be wasted. Maybe everyone who knew him can be inspired to do the same. Don't let one more day go by without acknowledging that we have all chosen different roads and some have made some poor choices that lead to great destruction, but in the end we are all still just us, and that's what we should love.
So I am trying to dry up my tears and enjoy every moment with the ones that I love. I hope to move forward a better person thanks to the stamp that was left on me by a dear friend. May you RIP my dear friend. I always knew you were a good listener.
Very inspiring. You are a good writer.
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